Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the ...
Jokes
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet ...
a.. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!!!
c.. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
d.. EXCEL ...
Even though I was an engineering student at
the University of Maryland, chemistry was a
required course in my day. The Professor, on
the first day of class, asked everyone to name
the most ...
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, ...
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides he wants ...
The preacher said that, for a change, he would call
out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn
that involved that word, just start singing and we
will all join in.
He called ...
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range
had been canceled for the second year in a row, but
the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on
as planned.
One soldier ...
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: ...
What's this thing called PSP?
I pondered and I wondered...
I hit this key and that key..
Oh gosh how I blundered!
It scared me to death
the things what were in there,
the tools ...
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia:
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around a fertile ...
Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar. One says, "Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass."
The second salesman says, "Watch your mouth! There's a lady ...
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways ...
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?!" said ...
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, ...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make ...
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When ...
Heard this on one the radio this morning by some stand-up English comedian ... "I'll never talk to anybody about sports in bar again. Last night I said to some guy,
'I think Ireland have the ...
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy ...
It's strange, after being a user of computer software for a while, you begin to pick up on some disturbing similarities to a not so squeaky clean industry out there. Is this telling us something?
Drug ...
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence ...
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, ...
There was a university in New England where the students operated
a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were
papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an
undistinguished ...
There were these two morons driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first moron says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."
The other says, "No! ...
In an American history discussion group, the professor was
trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America.
She stood ...
USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your ...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman ...
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !
What did one Angel say to the other ?
Halo there !
How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?
"A furry ...
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on ...