Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-