The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
• I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
• While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
• I think hairy butts are really sexy.
• Her tits are just too big.
• Sometimes I just want to be held.
• That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
• Sure I'd love to wear a condom!
• We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
• Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
• I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
• No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.


The Perfect Day According to ... HIM
10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:15am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
2:15pm Enormous lunch
3:00pm Oral sex
3:15pm Play sports with the guys
4:00pm Drink beer with guys
6:00pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10pm Oral sex
6:25pm Huge dinner, more beer
11:00pm Full on, get down, gorilla sex


The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:
• Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
• Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
• I think hairy butts are really sexy.
• Hey, get a whiff of that one.
• Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
• This diamond is way too big!
• I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
• I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
• Wow, it really is 14 inches!
• Does this make my butt look too small?
• I'm wrong, you must be right again.


The Perfect Day According to ... HER
8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30am Light breakfast
11:00am Sunbathe
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30pm Shopping
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds
3:00pm Facial massage and nap
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing
10:00pm Make love
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms